You are SO not in control

Posted on May 20, 2013 by Tracey

On a good day one can hope for things to fall into place as we want them to.   But when you get a cancer diagnosis even best laid plans go out the window.

If you work, your concentration and energy are compromised.

If you are a parent, your priorities are shifted from others to yourself.

If you are a friend, you become the taker vs the giver.

Even simple things like hopes, wishes, and dreams have to be reassessed on a daily basis.  The biggest advice I gave June was…

Take control of the things you can control.  Like how you make yourself feel better, what you have for dinner (kit kats), and how you choose what makes you laugh.  Those things cannot be taken away.   They are within your control.  Doctors appointments, medication costs, family demands/expectations, and treatments we will suffer through together.

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5 Tips for Better Sleep

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Tracey
  • Reduce caffeine at least 6 hours prior to bedtime.
  •     Avoid stimulus prior to bedtime. (TV, fire drills, conflict, paying bills, other stressors)
  • Read, snuggle, have sex, meditate to relax.
  • Shower or take a lavender bath with candles prior to bed.
  • Do a body scan. (deep breathe, visualize each body part touching the bed, make each part light on the bed)

Bonus: write down noisy thoughts not easily dismissed.

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The Elephant in the Room

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Tracey

Psst – It might be better if we don’t talk about it…  maybe it will go away.

Well cancer doesn’t quite see it that way.   The less you talk about it the nastier it gets.   June had this same fear and thought.  She didn’t want people to know and she really didn’t want to be the one to tell them!   But after that first time, when she said c-a-n-c-e-r out loud it got easier.  The more people she told the easier it was to say.

I was so proud of her the first time she told someone in the waiting room.  She and another cancer patient had a conversation about their cancer – it was beautiful to see her embrace her situation.  The denial was gone.   She wasn’t hiding behind the denial and she realized it was hardly hiding her anyway.

What aren’t you talking about?!

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Emotionality of Chronic Illness

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Tracey

Everyday you hear about the effects of stress on your health.  Did you know anger, fear, resentment, and grief (just to name a few) can enhance stressors we experience?

When you carry unresolved negative emotion, your illness is embellished.  This can cause a vicious cycle to kick in making it harder for you to do the things that will make you well.  This may be as simple as compliance to medication and physician instruction, exercise, dietary restriction, etc.

Wellness is also about balance, frame of mind, stress reduction, and support systems.

Wellness is greatly improved by letting go of what may really be ailing you!

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Forgiveness

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Tracey
By letting go and releasing anger towards those around me, I will be grateful for the lessons they are teaching me.
Therefore accepting myself.
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Worst Case Scenario for Mothers

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Tracey

Perhaps you grew up dreaming of a football team of kids in the house or just a boy and girl – in that order.   Life sometimes has its own agenda, doesn’t it?   Some women find they can’t have children at all or are surprised by multiples.   We won’t even tackle invitro and the uncertainties that it may bring.

Statistics reflect 50% of first marriages end in divorce and two-thirds of our children are in single parent homes.  Not at all what we imagined is it?  While divorce isn’t the end of the world, the thought of sharing your child with another woman can feel like your heart being ripped from your chest.

“Why is his new wife trying to be a mother to my children?”  You feel left out and undermined.  You go into overdrive to protect, shelter, even claim your children.   The lioness reaction to her young.   And the worst fear ever – they will like her better than you.

Children will always want their biological parents to get back together.   It is something in their brain that even through the yelling and fighting they wish mom and dad would work it out and be together.  Adults of divorces admit they wished it could have been different – of course they see the reality but that inner child speaks volumes (and loud).

It may be hard to take the high road, it may take every ounce of your being, but trust that love, devotion, caring, attention, and responsibility all register with your children.   Remain consistent.  Never put your child in the middle of adult issues.  Always be your authentic self.  Be the mother you wanted your mother to be and you cannot go wrong.

 “If you want me to hate her I will.“

– Ben Harrison to Jackie Harrison
Stepmom, movie
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Your New Normal

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Tracey
You’ve only known this man or woman as your spouse.   You’ve been married a lifetime.   You’ve built dreams and memories around this relationship.
You’ve been at the same company forever.  You’ve grown and matured into a credible, responsible, and loyal employee.   All your friends work there.   Your schedule and vacations revolve around this job.
This house, ring, album, or other treasured possession have been with you or in the family as long as you can remember.  It symbolizes what is important to you.  It has become as much a part of you as your own life.
If you ever felt the loss of any of these, you may feel like things will never be the same.  Unfortunately – that is true!   Life as you knew it with these people, places, or things in it will be different.  You will need to determine a new way, make new memories, define a new you in the fall out.
Be kind to yourself.  There are no wrong choices, there is only exploration.   Think back to your childhood dreams, make a bucket list, consider what you always wanted to do before life got away from you.  Dream big – think out of the box.   Wave a magic wand and consider possibilities.  You can start small, like get a pet or paint a room YOUR favorite color.   Go bigger, like back to school or relocate.
Remember, loss provides the opportunity to learn something new about yourself.  Discover who you are, what you want, and where you will be in your new normal!

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”

~Kenji Miyazawa”
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The Art of a Family Meeting

Posted on April 11, 2013 by Tracey
Does your family feel like it is moving in all different directions?   Do you even wonder who is on first in your house?   Feel like you are repeating yourself but missed an essential family member in delivering the message?!
Family meetings are not only an effective way to deliver news, air a concern, or lay down the law, they can also bring the family closer together.
Family meetings create a regular and positive forum for discussing family issues.   You can use family meetings to discuss a variety of topics, not just the heavy issues.   They can be used to discuss house-hold responsibilities or chores, acknowledge achievements, dream and plan vacations, and share important events or stories happening to family members.
Meetings should not be negative or only facilitated by parents.  No lecturing!  Keep family meetings to no longer than an hour and give everyone a chance to speak.
Hold meetings when everyone can attend – live in and step children included, as well as other live in adults.   Anyone can call a family meeting.   It is awesome when one of the children takes the initiative to call a meeting!
Family meetings can be a step to building a family unit full of love and respect for each other.
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Being a Step Child

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Tracey

Ever wonder what goes on in the mind of a step child?   What could they possibly have to be upset about?  They get multiple Christmas’ gatherings, spoiled by one parent or both, duplicate toys, etc.

Well, it isn’t all its’ cracked up to be!  All the things that are upsetting to children in a whole home are 10x more pronounced in a step home.

Now the arguments aren’t just with mom and dad, but mom, dad, and the step parent.  The rules are so crazy it can be difficult to remember when, where, and how to be a kid.

Here are the step childs’ thoughts:

  •    * I will always want my parents to be together
  •    * I hate being in the middle of arguments
  •    * No, you tell mom
  •    * No, you tell dad
  •    * It is not fun going back and forth, packing for a weekend.
  •    * I don’t like leaving toys at once place or the other
  •    * It makes me uncomfortable to hear you talk about money (clothes, school, hobbies)
  •    * I don’t like it when you talk bad about each other
  •    * I miss Fido when he can’t come to your house
  •    * I feel left out of family events due to your schedule (holidays, vacations, reunions)

Consider your childs’ perspective in all you do.  They didn’t ask for the divorce or to be in a new relationship.   You need to be the adult and keep the child out of all adult decisions and discussions.  Be the parents your child wants (needs) you to be.

“I’m a good kid, just wait until you get to know me“

– Peter Brady
Brady Bunch TV show
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Remembering My Father

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Tracey
I received an early morning phone call on 3/28/12 that my father (69) passed away.   It was a bit of a surprise; he had survived several risky surgeries rife with complications – he had been home about 3 weeks after rehabilitating from his last one in November.   On this day he died within 20-30 minutes of his last contact and was found quite quickly.   I believe he didn’t want to die alone or wanted to be found right away.
Due to surprise and the time difference with Ohio, I had trouble understanding what was being said to me.  In fact, I thought I was having a horrible dream!   As reality set in, phone calls were made, decisions put into motion…
My father lived alone having never remarried after his divorce from my mother in the early 70’s.  He was retired from a blue collar job and had become isolated due to his health.   We visited often over the last couple of years but it wasn’t for vacation.  Being an only child, my dad relied on me to take care of legal, financial, and medical matters.  Last summer, as if he knew, he asked me to ship a majority of his “treasures” to Colorado.   My dad had begun to take care of things… my dad had started preparing.
I wasn’t ready!  This 46 year old just wanted to throw a tantrum and rebel.  Many times I told my husband, “Lets just go home, I don’t want to do this.”  But I found strength in his friends and the tasks before me.  I made peace that he was no longer suffering.  I realized I could still hear him and his fatherly sage.
As we went through his remaining belongings a few weeks ago, we found lost memories, messages of instruction, and a few surprises.   This treasure hunt was a real look into the last years of my fathers life.  It was obvious how his mind worked and what he valued in his days.   We always shared a close relationship but I feel even closer to him now in an odd way.
He wasn’t simply a father, he was my hero, the model for each man I meet.  He had faults and grace, he was strong and weak, he was loved and hated, he ornery and dedicated, but most of all – he will be missed.
RIP R.E.A.
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