Personalizing the Story

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Tracey

I’ve noticed this with several topics where others are not capable, willing, or cognizant of empathizing with a sick or sticky problem.

When someone asks, “how are you?” they are not prepared for the truth.   They don’t want to hear about the cancer, abuse, dysfunction, debt, or whatever is happening in your life.  They want to hear, “I’m good”   Because then they are good!

When June offers a status on her health to family, friends, coworkers, they tend to personalize it as their own.   They discuss their own cold, flu, or virus.   They discuss their own money woes.  They discuss how bad things are in their life without really empathizing how it is for June.

After many conversations with June about how it appears no one cares I told her this…   It is easier for them to identify with their own world than crawl (even for a moment) into her world because they don’t think they can handle it.  They have real problems of their own and taking on her cancer is extremely hard for them.   I told her that people who can handle it will float to the top and offer advice and a hug.   They will understand…  but not everyone is comfortable with it.   Maybe they have suffered a loss in the line of cancer and it brings back too many memories.   Maybe they fear death or are not as strong as she is.

We have to let people handle what they can handle.   We have to seek strength where we can safely find it.   We cannot expect others to be where we are when we are there.

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The Year of First’s

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Tracey
The Year of First’s
Some say nothing is harder than the loss, until you experience the Year of First’s.   The first day, the first week, the first month… and every gut wrenching memorable milestone in between!
Maybe it’s a birthday or wedding anniversary.   Maybe it’s an event; a reunion, child’s wedding, another death, or holiday (like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day).
Memories can also be triggered by events not on the calendar, for instance, a movie you watched together, a song on the radio, a rose bush bloom he planted for you.  Seeing, hearing, and experiencing things for the first time can be hard.
Doing activities by yourself for the first time; paying bills, attending a social function, cooking, getting the oil changed, putting the kids to bed – can be enough to make you angry or resentful.
Asking for and getting support is really important the first year.   Usually family and friends flood your home until after the funeral, then you wonder where everyone went.  Make sure you know who you can ask when you need support – it may be an unlikely friend or new friend.
This is a tough time because your friends and family are also grieving and it’s difficult to be present for someone else when you are in grief too.   You must take time for yourself.  Do things that support your needs.  Meet new people and do/try new things.   Remember and honor your emotion, pain, and loss.
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Getting Out of The House

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Tracey

For a while, June was rarely getting out of the house.  She works from home, too.   The only time she got out was for doctor’s appointments.

There have been a few times that I’ve asked her to go somewhere and she has agreed.   I took her to my sons event where she was like a little girl seeing a new world.  My husband and I have taken her to dinner a few times – she’s a cheap date since she doesn’t eat much.   Funny thing about that is we give her ALL the leftovers!   I go pick her up to run errands and be busy.

She gets tired easily so we have to do short trips, easy walking, and stop often.   But that is ok, the important thing is that she is away from her home, experiencing the life that is still out there.   We do it on her terms.

We discussed how getting out lets her forget that she can’t do the things she used to do.   She can get away from the cancer, if only for a short time.   She can pretend to be normal.

Funny story…   we went to the mall on a quick trip to pick something up.   She did great initially and probably too much as she got a little weak on the way back to the entrance.   So we stopped at a Sleep Number Bed store where she got to lay down, hear the whole spiel for about 30 minutes.   She asked questions, showed interest, then we left after she had a good rest.   The salesman had no clue!   Ah, the things you have to do sometimes!

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Today is Important

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Tracey
What I do today is important because I am paying a day of my life for it.
What I accomplish must be worthwhile because the price is high!
What did you or will you do today that was worth it?
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New Wig, New You

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Tracey

We’ve spent a lot of time looking through boxes of donated wigs to find one that both looked good and that June liked on her.   She picked out one early on that aged her beyond her 55 years.   It was cute, but just not her.

Remember, June had long (to her waist long) hair: rich, thick, auburn.  Just beautiful.   When she started losing her hair and shaved her head it was very difficult.

One day we walked into the Cancer Resource Center at Swedish.  They had baskets and drawers of wigs to look through.   We found 2…  one was a short reddish bob, the other a blonde short style.   I loved the blonde one on her!   She looked in the mirror and started crying.   She said she thought she looked like her own mother (who died from lung cancer).   The reddish one looked very natural.  It blended with her freckles and complexion.

A few weeks later I invited her to do some errands with me.   When she got in the car she had the blonde wig on, a cute hat, and makeup.  I cried, she was so beautiful.   She looked awesome and I was in awe!!!

Then she scolded me for trying to ruin her makeup!   LOL

I think she is discovering not only her strength in this journey but who she can be outside of her comfort zone.   Without cancer, she would never have tried on a blonde wig!

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What IS Lyme Disease?

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Tracey
A few facts about Lyme for your reading enjoyment!
  • CDC acknowledges US cases may exceed 460K.
  • 94% increase of reported cases over last 5 years.
  • Reported in every state and around the world (except Antarctica).
  • Symptoms mimic many other conditions; such as, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, lupus, RA, MS, Lou Gehrig’s, Parkinson’s, and Alzheimer’s.
  • Infection can lay dormant for years (decades) – stress is a likely instigator for symptom arrival.
  • Lyme Literate doctors (LLMD) are hard to find but recommended.

Check out Under Our Skin for more information and resources.

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Oh – The Cranky Cancer Lady!

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Tracey

You have to know June to understand the smile on my face as I write this.   June has a way of projecting kindness, understanding, and an overwhelming readiness to help.   So imagine my disbelief when I pick her up for a doctor appointment and she is ruthlessly cranky about everything!

She commented about the traffic, red lights, work, her children, the weather…   dare I say, “everything!”   I put my hand on her leg and said, “geez girl, what got your panties in a bunch today?”   She started to keep her rant, then stopped and looked at me.   With a straight face she said, “no!  I have cancer and I don’t like it, ok?!”

It was an awesome comment.   She owned it full-out!   We started laughing when I said, “Oh that!”

I can’t fault her for that.   It must be so hard to find the will to just keep wanting to keep going.   (read that again!)

I secretly love her crankiness.   It is nice to see her being honest and frustrated.  It is a blessing to have her HERE to be cranky.   Bring it on sister!!!

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Reducing Stress

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Tracey

10 Stress Reduction Tools

  1) Connect with others
  2) Practice positive thinking
  3) Be physically active
  4) Volunteer
  5) Sleep
  6) Do something you love
  7) Eat well – healthy choices
  8) Experience spirituality
  9) Learn coping skills
10) Ask for or get help
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When I Don’t Hear From Her

Posted on February 25, 2013 by Tracey

I cannot begin to explain how I worry when I do not hear from June.   I think this is more troubling because she will call me several times a day “to hear my voice”, but then my calls and messages go unanswered.   To be honest – it puts my mind in a tailspin.

Is she ok?  Has she gotten sick and unable to get to the phone?  Has she had an accident?  Is she dead…   It is heartbreaking.   But I don’t let on when I do hear from her.   I casually ask how things have been and listen to whatever update she is giving.   Most times she didn’t hear the phone and failed to realize she had messages.

Why worry her when it’s my anxiety.   Why put that on her?  Why make her feel obligated to take care of me or put me at ease?

She is strong-willed…  I welcome those high points!

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Willingness to Change

Posted on February 21, 2013 by Tracey

Definition:  Willingness = not choosing to refuse; complying; voluntary choice; not adverse; favorably disposed.

Let’s assume you have this recurring problem, you have talked to variety of resources among your support system (spouse, siblings, friends, coworkers, etc) but nothing seems to change.   Every time you turn around *BAM* the problem is there again.  Your support system has given you things to say and things to do, or ways to act/react.   Nothing appears to resolve the matter.   Perhaps, the problem stays the same because you have stayed the same.  Is it possible, the problem could be how you perceive it, dwell on it, or expect it to be different?

When determining whether to heed advice or ignore it, remember you always have the power of choice in all situations.  Whatever you decide today, in this moment, is the right thing for you to decide.  However, it is ok to decide a different direction tomorrow.   Circumstances and beliefs change and so can your direction, as well as how you see your problem.   You can choose the attitude with which you will go through the situation at hand.

Go the extra distance in situations that really matter to you.  This is a good time to make a strong, positive effort – make a change be the change!

What are you willing to do?   How far are you willing to go to be happy, make a difference, or for your future?  Are you willing to take a chance?  Does fear hold you back?  Can you afford to take a risk?  Can you afford not to?

“There is no telling how many miles you will have to run to chase a dream“

– unknown

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