Valentine’s Day: The Day of Love (or is it?)

Posted on February 14, 2013 by Tracey

What does it take to have and maintain a healthy relationship?    It truly begins with you!

    Be the best person you can be!  Ask yourself the question; if you were someone else would you marry you?  Begin now to be happy with yourself and your life.  Remember that happiness is a state of being and not having, doing, or achieving.   Happiness is not a destination, as in a future goal or place in time.  You are as happy as you decide to make your mind up to be and you get what you give.

Commitment 

It’s all about the commitment!  Every relationship has issues, make the commitment to each other that “no matter what” there is no question to stay or go.  Life gets hard and is unpredictable.  Be true to your word and stand by each other through life’s ups and downs.  Relationships are not about two individuals but rather about “we.”  The “we” is what you share together – the support and nurturing you cannot give yourself.

   Differences – Conflict Management – Forgiveness

   Did you know that 69% of the time couples argue about the same perpetual problem?  This means only 31% of the time, couples engage in true problem solving.  This means couples need to establish positive and safe dialogues and learning to make “peace” with their problems.  The next step is learning conflict management.  It is essential to realize the goal may not be actually to solve these problems, but move from gridlock to dialogue and reach an understanding.  Put your relationship in a win-win only outcome.

Communication

   Couples in healthy relationships communicate openly with one another safely, honestly, respectfully, and compassionately.  Find some truth in what the other person is saying and put yourself in your mates shoes – try to see the world through each others eyes.  Attempt to understand what your partner is feeling and pay attention to their body language.  Accept each others feelings and let the other know you are willing to be there and want to hear what they need to say.  Strive for greater intimacy through words.

   Lastly, always believe your love and commitment to each other can grow.

   Now… go and enjoy the journey, forgive, grow and have fun!

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Blended Family – Crib Notes

Posted on February 7, 2013 by Tracey

100% of us know and have been impacted by a blended family in some way!

Notable Step Families/Movies:

   Hamlet             Sound of Music                  Cinderella

                 Kramer vs Kramer           The Brady’s

   Step Mom (Julia Roberts)               Full House

Yours, Mine, and Ours (I like the Lucille Ball version)

 CONFLICTS:

  • Traditional roles vs psychological influence
  • Parental Alienation Syndrome

STRUGGLES:   rules, discipline, favorites, the-ex, culture/religion, holidays/ vacations, dating and remarriage, money, legal issues, visitation, jealousy, boundaries, and more…

REMEDIES:  fairness, greater good, communication, flexibility, letting go, giving & forgiving, trust, bonding, space, and more…

Posted in Blended or Step Family, Divorce, Marriage, Relationships (other), starting over, Step Moms | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Purpose of Grief

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Tracey
It is innate for you to attach to things and people; to hold things of importance close to your heart.  Thus it is also natural for you to feel a void when what you hold special is no longer present in your life.
Grief responses allow you to express three (3) basic things:
   *  Your feelings or emotions about the loss,
   *  Your protest at the loss, as well as, your desire to change what happened and have it not be true,
   *  You express the effects you have experienced from the devastating impact of the loss.
The purpose of grieving is to get beyond these reactions and work towards adapting to it.  Grief assists in making necessary changes so you can live with the loss in a healthy way.  Through grief you find meaning and strength.
Mourning your loss is the necessary process of returning back to life after you have been jolted from everything you knew.  It involves leaving behind what needs to be left behind, bringing along what needs to be brought along, and learning to distinguish between the two.
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
 -Little Orphan Annie
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Blending… or Bending, ah Breaking?

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Tracey

Yours, Mine, and Ours: The Art of Blending Families

Divorce, remarriage, single parents – eventually these may result in a blending of families.   No stress, there, right?

Let’s first define what a family is.   Some believe this is your birth parents and immediate biological associations.
Others believe it includes all your extended aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins (regardless of how many times removed.)   In fact, a family can be whatever you decide it to be.   This is referred to as ‘family of choice’ versus ‘family of origin’.   With that now defined, blending of families through marriage can become confusing, territorial, and rewarding all the same.
The Brady Bunch made it look easy.  No where is it written that it must be difficult.  So you sit here reading this and wonder, “how can I make this work for me?”
Here are a couple high-level things to think about:
*   Take the high road.  There are no winners in this fight.  Even if you believe you are right, pick your battles wisely.
*    What is best for the kids?   Is it more important to be right than do what is best for the child(ren).
*    You know what it’s like for you, but do you know how it is for the other players?   Wouldn’t you love for them to understand how you feel?
*   Realize you didn’t get along when you were married, why would you think divorce would be different?  You have to change your communication style and be willing to meet in the middle.
Posted in Blended or Step Family, Divorce, Marriage, Step Moms | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When the caregiver is sick

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Tracey

Cancer is a big deal.   Probably doesn’t get much worse than that when it comes to not feeling good.  Just when June trusts that I will be there when she needs me, I end up with a nasty cold.   The worse part?  I would cough when I talked so I couldn’t even support her on the phone!   No doubt she understood but I also know her well enough to know she felt let down.

On the up side…  I noticed it really helped her to worry about me.  She called more often and gave me orders like “go get some rest”.   It was role-reversal and she thrived.

I think getting a break from her own illness was beneficial.   It let her think about something else for a minute.   I also believe she allowed herself to drift outside of herself and care about me because she knew whole-heartedly that I appreciate her…  in sickness and in health!

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Changing Priorities

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Tracey

Even with the best intentions, priorities change when you are ill.  June and I have had to live life on the edge with our planning.   Occasionally things go as scheduled but we don’t give it a second thought.

June has a high sense of commitment and follow through.  Admirable really.  Rescheduling is something she has to fight herself with.  She doesn’t yet give herself permission to put herself first.  When she has to cancel something she is extremely hard on herself.   For instance, for a Christmas present for June, my family put together a list of things we could do to help her around the house; replace batteries in the smoke detector, replace light bulbs, bring her Christmas decorations out, etc.   It was planned for several weeks, we were all looking forward to it.  I woke that morning with the feeling I should check in to see if she needed anything we could pick up on the way.   She sounded awful that morning;  she could barely speak above a whisper.   She had been up all night with a stomach virus and was still feeling it.

Simply put – she did not want company.  Now I know how important this was because she talked about getting her nativity scene out and how excited she was to ‘gets these small things done”!   In that moment, during the call, the last thing on her mind was decorations and light bulbs.   But she felt it necessary to apologize to me.

I think it really put things into perspective for both of us… if you don’t have your health – you don’t have anything.   Not even a nativity scene!

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Depression Details

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Tracey

Depression is treatable, however often goes without being reported or diagnosed.

Depression can adversely affect the course and outcome of common chronic conditions, such as arthritis, asthma, cardiovascular disease, cancer, diabetes, and obesity. Depression also can result in increased work absenteeism, short-term disability, and decreased productivity.

1 in 10 adults report depression:

      • – persons 45-64 years of age
      • – women
      • – blacks, Hispanics, non-Hispanic persons of other races or multiple races
      • – persons with less than a high school education
      • – those previously married
      • – individuals unable to work or unemployed
      • – persons without health insurance coverage

Consider seeking help for a depression evaluation from your doctor or therapist if you have experienced at least 5 of the following characteristics:

Little pleasure in doing things, feeling down or helpless, too little or too much sleep, feeling tired or no energy, eating too little or too much, feeling bad about yourself, trouble concentrating, moving or speaking too slow or too fast.

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Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Tracey

The first time June said the C-Word she was in shock.   As she told her family and co-workers it got easier.   But there is still a stigma with the C-Word, a negative connotation of sorts.

One day we were driving to a doctor appointment and June was relaying a story about her strife with priorities or something…  I grabbed her hand while we sat in traffic and said, “it’s ok, you have cancer!”   She looked at me and started laughing.

We regularly just throw that mantra out now.   Too many red lights, “Geez, don’t they know I have cancer!”   Someone cuts me off in traffic, “Hey, she has cancer darn it!”

It breaks the ice and lightens the load.   I think laughter is great therapy and awesome medicine!

What do you use to lighten the subject?

 

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Loss and Grief Are Different

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Tracey
To say loss and grief are different may come across as semantics to the person suffering.  The two are different in the fact there is a cause and effect relationship that must be understood.   One does not suffer from grief without having lost something in the first place.
   Would you be surprised if I said, loss is more misunderstood than
   grief in most cases?
   Let me explain:
Loss exists because a significant form of attachment, something that is cherished – is no longer present.  This can be material, physical, relational, or symbolic.
    Examples may include (not limited to):  death, marriage, job…  those are all familiar right?   What about, a limb, health via a diagnosis (MS, Lyme, HIV, cancer, diabetes), libido, youth, safety, trust.   Consequential loss may not be evident right away, such as traditions and rituals.
   If you, or anyone you know, is troubled by an unresolved loss, please contact me, another therapist, or physician.  Individual therapy and family support, social support groups,  as well as Grief Workshops can be helpful.
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Anxiety Angst

Posted on December 20, 2012 by Tracey

Anxiety affects about 6.8 million American adults, including twice as many women as men. Anxiety is actually a normal reaction to stress, however it often goes unreported until it causes problems for the individual or those around them as individuals may have trouble controlling it.

Anxiety is a psychological problem that can cause emotional and health related issues. Here are some facts:

* Anxiety is not just psychological, it is also genetic

* General tension and stress can have no trigger – it can occur for what appears to be no reason

* Anxiety can be a learned behavior. You can pick up anxiety by watching others act anxious in stressful situations

* Anxiety can also be self-fulfilling. If you experience anxiety in situations that does not warrant it, the fear of experiencing that anxiety can cause additional anxiety

* Anxiety has a tendency to make the mind focus on the negatives, rather than on the positives, even if you are not feeling specifically negative about a given situation

* It is possible to become used to anxiety to the point where you no longer realize you are even anxious. Your body however is still experiencing the effects.

People prone to anxiety disorders tend to share certain personality traits:

      •      Perfectionism
      •      Excessive need for approval
      •      Excessive need for control
      •      Tendency to ignore physical and psychological signs of stress

Conquering anxiety includes techniques that address the physical, emotional, spiritual and behavioral “self”. Strategies include:

        •      Relaxation
        •      Physical exercise
        •      Positive self talk and recognize mistaken beliefs
        •      Visualization
        •      Identifying and expressing your feelings
        •      Improving self-esteem
        •      Good nutrition
        •      Learning to be self-assured
        •      Understanding fears from the past
        •      Medications (if needed)
        •      Finding meaning, purpose and spirituality

Consider seeking help from your doctor or therapist for an anxiety evaluation if you suffer any of the following for 6 months or more (or are growing increasingly problematic):

trouble falling or staying asleep, startle easily, difficulty concentrating, headaches, diarrhea, digestive problems, hypertension, and many more.

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