To Shave or Not to Shave

I’ve never been blessed with fanstastic head of hair.   Over the years it has gotten more and more thin – thus short.   I’ve often joked about cutting it all off and getting a wig.

Then my friend called one morning in tears.   She started losing her hair a whole chemo treatment cycle early.   We had talked about how she would grieve for her hair; it was long, thick, and beautiful.   Panic and desperation set in literally overnight and we didn’t have time to prepare as planned.

June was in physical pain over her hair loss.   She said it was her identity, who she was.    We sat quietly, crying into our respective phones.   I thought about that…  I thought about what I love about her.   I tentatively said, I love you for who you are on the inside.   “I love your soul and spirit – your hair, although beautiful, is the sparkle of your identity.”

I mentioned I thought about shaving my head and we discussed that.   I haven’t done it – yet!    I was so envious of her long hair, now I’m envious of her spunky wigs!

What do you think?   Should I?

 

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How do you communicate?

Do you ever sit across the table or on the couch and never say a word to each other?
Many say the foundation to a working relationship is the ability to communicate with each other.   What does not talking to each other say about your relationship?   Consider the following…
Poor Communication:  When one refuses to share his/her feelings openly or to listen to what the other person has to say.   Other poor contributors include becoming argumentative and defensive, denying your own feelings or acting them out directly (i.e. pouting or being sarcastic).
Good Communication:  You express your feelings openly and directly, encouraging the other person to express his/her feelings.  You say how what you are thinking and how you are feeling, you try to listen and understand what the other person is thinking/feeling.   The ideas and feelings of both parties are important.
A formula used in relationship counseling is:
              “I feel….”
              About ______ (what)
              “I need….”
EX:   I feel insignificant when you come home and just watch TV, I need some quality time with you.
Try this in your relationship, see if it helps you.   Remember, practice makes perfect…  don’t give up – your relationship is important enough to keep trying.
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Being Disappointed

Disappointing others is a huge obstacle to overcome, second only to being disappointed by others.

So you are sick, not feeling well, struggling with after effects of chemo, or just seriously fatigued…  where is your support system?   Don’t these people know you are fighting cancer?   You know you would be there for them if they needed you or not!

THAT is the problem.   Once you expect someone to do something for you – here’s the key – and you haven’t said what you need, then you will be disappointed.   Everytime.   And it isn’t just about the big things – it is more likely to be the small things:  phone calls, visits, invitations, someone to just ask how you are, etc.

  • You have to let people know you would love a phone call, or “Friday’s are a great day to get out of the house”.
  • Have a caregiver or confidant you can vent to.   Someone who can understand when your pride is standing in the way.
  • Establish a fallback plan.   In case someone fails, have a second string you can count on in case of emergency or on rare occurrences.

Ask for what you need…  otherwise others won’t know you need it.

 

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Marriage Prep/Tune Up Time

   Spring wedding… this year or 7 years ago?

It is important to understand who you are  (and who your spouse is) going into a marriage.   Determining each others likes, dislikes, and positions on elements of a marriage.
 
   It is equally important to realign your relationship after being in it for a period of time.   Many times life gets in front of our relationships and we inadvertently neglect what was important on that blissful day.
A review or assessment of the 13 elements of marriage can determine strengths and growth areas in your relationship.
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Disappointing Others

Imagine being a reliable and trusting employee, mother, and friend.   Ok, now imagine not being able to do all you used to do.  Imagine, being a fraction of the energy level you used to be or unable to remember simple details.

That is the life of a cancer diagnosis.   You are relegated to having to say “no”.   No, I can’t do that.  No, I can’t go there.   No, I need to go to the doctor.   No, I can’t afford that.   No, I’m not feeling up to it.

This may be new.   People count on you.   People depend on you.   They always have.   Why are you letting them down?

Answer:   Because you need to concentrate on healing and fighting.   The chemo takes every ounce of dependability out of you and you can barely function at half speed.   Use your reservoirs on yourself.   Let work, the kids, your friends and family, take care of themselves… and if they should choose (and they SHOULD), let them take care of you for a change.

Caution:   Don’t allow yourself to feel let down if others don’t step up and help out.   They may not have learned how to live outside of themselves yet!

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Anxiety Over Fiscal Cliff

This is the opinion of one person.   What qualifies me to have an opinion?   I’m in the 98%.  But my perspective comes from that of a therapist and life coach.

I’ve seen an increase in financial impact on my clients.   Many have lost their jobs; have partners who have lost their jobs, or have had their hours cut.   December is traditionally slow for me due to the holidays but this year I’ve had numerous phone calls from clients simply stating they can no longer afford my services.   I also get initial calls or emails that ask about insurance and rates.   My point is these individuals are seeking health, balance, well-being, and peace of mind and they can’t afford it.   (My rates are below the state average of $85-100/hr.)

How will these individuals and families cope with an additional $2k in taxes next year?  Just this week I received an email from a prospective new client who is in a blended family, is suffering from chronic and mental illness and is currently on Medicaid.   Unfortunately, I don’t take Medicaid, and personally can’t afford to do pro bono work for the sake of my own family and household.   It’s a catch-22!   And it is extremely disappointing.  If individuals cannot afford mental health services, therapist will close their doors – how does that help anyone?!

Furthermore,   if I could tell Washington anything, I’d say, “cut taxes on majority and expect more from those who CAN afford it.”   I can’t afford it, my clients can’t afford it, but the movie stars, pro athletes, and big millionaire business leaders can.   Stimulate the economy by considering the health, balance, well-being, and peace of mind on the lives of individuals in America.   If we have happy, confident people we have motivation.   If we have motivation, we have enterprise.   If we have enterprise, we have jobs and a stronger America.   Then, and only then, can the 98% sacrifice part of themselves to pay off debt we ultimately didn’t generate.  (small, bitter editorial added for dramatic effect!)

Lastly, I counsel and coach my clients with worry and anxiety.   I try to help them realize there are things they do not have control of.  I teach them relaxation and techniques for dealing with change and surfing the waves of life.   But this fiscal cliff is so much bigger.  My clients are already overwhelmed with daily strife (illness, debt, kids, community safety, work, etc) that they tell me it seems hopeless when they think about the economy.

I, too, have anxiety over the economy.   Just so you know, when I was laid off from my “day job” last year, I didn’t get a multi-million dollar payout to leave.   I buckled down, budgeted, and I’ve been throwing myself into my practice and my clients.  I want to do my part.  I am doing my part.  But I want to be able to do more.  I want to help more people who want it and need it.

Thank you for listening…

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Healthy Giving

Just in time for biggest gift giving holiday of the year!

But this isn’t necessarily about tangible giving.  It is more about giving of yourself or really giving what the person needs.

You don’t have to meet the demands of family and friends.   You don’t have to give gifts because they were requested (or hinted), or because you think it will make the person happy.

Maybe teaching the person to fish instead of feeding them.

Moral of the story – You can’t be everything to everyone.   They need to do for themselves.   Stop taking away their life lessons.   Allow them to fail.   Allow them to struggle.   Allow them to ask before you assume what they need.

What a great gift it is to allow someone to live their own life!

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The Cost of Cancer

This isn’t about Obamacare or the Medical Mafia – this is simply about the cost of cancer as a whole.

Obviously, June has monthly house-hold expenses.   Now she has another dependent to take care of…  cancer.   At it has a lot of needs.

      • Co-pay (oncologist & cardiologist)
      • Deductible (visits & procedures)
      • Medication (holy moly – you cannot imagine!)
      • Essentials (wigs, caps, comfort items, etc)

I was taken aback at the expense not covered by insurance.   I call the bill collectors her fan base!   But seriously it is enough to make anyone sick, regardless of the cancer!

Then there is the other costs associated:

      • pride
      • fatigue
      • asking for help
      • disappointing others
      • depending on others
      • not meeting demands of family, friends, work

And the things you lose:

      • freedom to do things on your own
      • strength and self-assurance
      • friends and family when they don’t call or answer the phone
      • hair
      • appetite
      • ability to think past cancer
      • ability to help others

Cancer robs you of so much more than your life!   It takes so much more from you long before it wins.   Do we need to take that into account when people say they give up and can’t fight it anymore?   What can we do to help the sufferers so the hill isn’t as steep?

The little things mean so much more than they used to.   The deposits of gratitude go much further for her.   Perhaps we should take a lesson from that.

I believe attitude is everything.   Right now, June has a great attitude.  There is a decision made that comes down to the will to live or the will to die.   It’s a conscious decision, one made from strength of every ounce of your being, every day.   The will to die, comes from places like fear and uncertainty – not from weakness.   Maybe it isn’t the cancer that wins, but when you’ve lost the last thing you can’t stand to lose, you can’t win!

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Repeat After Me… “No!”

For only having 2 letters, it is often the hardest word to pronounce, or say out loud.

Why?  It isn’t because you aren’t smart enough, or because it is a different language.   It is because it smacks you hard with guilt and obligation.   You talk yourself out of what is right for you and more of what is right for the other person.   If something has to give, you would rather not disappoint the other person, right?

How good are you at saying NO?

When was the last time you said NO and felt good about it?

Who is the someone in your life that you just can’t say NO to?

 

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The Rumor Mill

I took the ‘it isn’t mine to tell’ approach.   I wasn’t sure if June was comfortable with people knowing and what she wanted them to know.   Frankly, it was kind of nice to plead the fifth.   I didn’t have to keep reliving the moment.   I could take a break from it.   Unlike June who was now living with not just the news but the tumor too!

But more importantly, June needed to be comfortable with talking about it.   She will need to be strong to see herself through this and owning the information (and how it is disseminated) is key to that.

She called me after speaking with her boss and was relieved to have the cat out of the bag and learn of his support.   It was enlightening for her to find support from someone other than me.   This was a new dimension for her – that people really care!   As more and more people found out then started worrying about what they thought of her.   She didn’t want pity.

It is a double edge sword telling people, letting them in.   She wants the validation but doesn’t want people feeling sorry for her.   She wants support but feels guilty when she gets it.

We had a long talk about how she isn’t responsible for how people take the news or what they do with it.  She isn’t to blame when someone feels bad for her situation.   She can’t control what they say either.   She can’t be mad it someone she didn’t want to know finds out.   The tough realization – she can’t take it wrong if someone doesn’t believe she’s sick or minimizes her strife.

Bad news is handled differently by people.   Some can handle it, some can’t.   Some even switch the drama from the message to themselves.   There is nothing she can do about how people receive the news!   She can just move forward…   and get well.

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