Have you ever noticed that some people know just what to say at the right time. They seem to know when a friend is sick; they are caring and compassionate, and step up to support as needed. When a friend suffers a loss (spouse, home, child) they offer shelter, shoulder, and kerchiefs and help maintain order. These people may bring beer or movies, they may make calls, they may provide travel to appointments or carpool the kids to school and activities. Some friends will go out of their way to cook, clean and mow the grass.
Are these the same people who know how to effectively argue with their own spouses? NOPE.
I have found in my couples counseling that often the partners are nicer to people outside the home than their own spouses; the same people they cited vows to be with the rest of their life!
Trust me when I say there are things that just should not be done to your partner:
- Blame – “It’s your fault we don’t go out anymore”
- Resent – “I think about how mad I am at you all day”
- Criticize – “Why is it you can’t do anything right?”
- Name Calling – “You are such an idiot; so stupid”
- Complain – “How many times do I need to say it, ask it, until you just do it?”
- Humiliate – (in front of others) “That was real bright, no wonder you lost your job”
- Punish – “Guess that means you won’t get lucky for awhile”
Would you ever say to a friend, “well since you are so pathetic and hopeless I might as well just stop accepting your invitation to dinner, I can’t imagine why I would be seen with someone so stupid anyway.” No…
When we have upsets with our friends we either distance our self or make amends. Saying those things would hurt the friendship! But we still think it is acceptable to thrash our partner, really?!
And one last thing, never mention the D-word in a fight. Divorce is not as easy as “unfriending” someone on Facebook or “unfollowing” on Twitter. It has huge consequences and should be considered only after much soul-searching and joint conversation.