Traditionally it is thought that we grieve in a standard manner: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Seems like a nice little happy path with a few bumps, right? But what if you go back and forth between anger and depression for months? What if it feels like you never accept your loss – does this mean you are a failure for not getting there?
Picture me on my soap box when I say, “How you grieve is individual to you!” There is no right way or wrong way. There isn’t a time limit. It is NOT written that you should be over it in a month, a year, by now.
Yes, we will all likely progress through similar patterns or have familiar characteristics. Some of us are emotional, others more pragmatic or action oriented. I know friends and family who can be completely solid for others but when faced with their own loss they crumble. Hear me – it is ok. Where ever you are, you are right where you ought to be. And guess what – where you are today will likely be different tomorrow, or even a minute from now.
In reality, we progress in cycles more than a linear path. So many things can determine what we feel or where we are at any given moment. The year of firsts, coping tools, support system, our own understanding of our place in the present, etc.
Assess your current thinking on your loss. What are you feeling? Use your tools and resources. Do you need help moving from anger, depression, or denial? Sometimes it helps to talk to an impartial party like a grief counselor or therapist. Support groups provide understanding that you are not alone – others have difficulty too. Learn how to think about your loss differently or see different perspectives of your present and future. Perhaps acceptance isn’t just about your loss but also your place with it.
“It’s not our life events that themselves directly disturb us. It’s our irrational demandingness, our shoulds, oughts, and musts that largely do the job.”
~Robert H. Moore